Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Thoughts from the middle of my night

So my husband and I have been discussing expanding our little family. It actually makes my heart race a little to write this. As if putting the words out there might jinx something. We are not officially "trying" yet but we aren't officially trying not to. The pressure is on.

My track record with pregnancy so far is not exactly stellar. Not terrible, but not stellar. I had one pregnancy that made it to 6 weeks and one that made it to just under 33 weeks. I would prefer one that makes it to at least 35. After 35 weeks they are just freeloading right? Just kidding.

I try to make light of pregnancy and all that it entails but honestly deep down, I am scared to death. Scared of the pregnancy. Scared of miscarriage. Scared of preterm labor. Scared of labor, period. Each step of the way is fraught with peril.

But I do desperately want to have another baby. In all honesty I would like to have more than one more. I am so jealous of those women who can teach aerobics classes up to the end of their pregnancy and have a relatively easy natural delivery. Yes, I do have a friend like this.

I am not complaining by any means. I know I am extremely lucky that I can get pregnant and that I have a healthy baby. But it would be so nice to have a pregnancy free of worries beyond names, crib decorations, and back pain. Worries that keep me up at night sitting on the floor next to Bear's bed watching him sleep. Stroking his fluffy blond hair through the crib slats. Thanking God for every breath he takes. Praying that I will get to do this all again, and maybe again.

12 comments:

abrightfuture said...

One of my favorite phrases to hear from people "We're not trying, but we're not not trying." Love it.

Prayers for you as you begin this journey! My second pregnancy was completely different than my first...and actually better in most ways!

Kristine said...

An anecdotal hopeful story for you. My son's baby sitter has 4 children. She has progressively gestated them each longer than the one before. #1 born 3 months early. #2 born 6 weeks early. #3 born 3 weeks early. #4 born 2 weeks early.

So there's some hope for you. Good luck with the not trying not to get pregnant.

laurel said...

I hope you are able to get pregnant again soon, and that it is wonderfully easy, like you hope. I can somewhat relate. I have not had any miscarriages, but my first pregnancy was pretty difficult. I am not someone who enjoys pregnancy. After my first child, I swore I was never going through that again...but couldn't shake my desire for a big family. My second pregnancy was a little better, and my third was a breeze...it absolutely flew by, with no complications at all. I am hoping to have another too.
Also, from your comment on my blog, thank you (!), and would you mind sharing the tomato basil soup recipe? it sounds yummy!

proud parents said...

I know exactly how you feel!!! My husband and I are also talking about expanding our family (hopefully very soon). My daughter was also premature and I am terrified of putting another baby through that. I hope and pray that my next child is born on time and healthy, but I am so scared!! If I remember correctly, our children were born very close together. Maybe we'll get to do pregnancy again together through blogland! By the way, aren't you an Aggie too?

Haley said...

I'll be thinking of you these next few weeks. :-)

Prayers sent your way!

Tranny Head said...

*sending good vibes your way*

My hubby and I are going to work on Baby #2 when he gets back from Iraq in February. We aren't telling any family members or friends, though, because we dont'w ant to have to field the incredibly annoying questions of "So you knocked up, yet?" Anyway - I think that terror is something that begins pre-pregnancy and doesn't EVER end! I mean - every time I think that hte stage of terror has passed, something else happens. For example - when I was prengant I was terrified of birth defects, and when I brought the baby home it was SIDS. Now? Autism. I don't think the fear ever ends . . . but the good makes it SO worthwhile!

Anyway - good vibes to you!

jpandtheboys said...

I am so sorry. I can only imagine. I think it's understandable why it would be scary. I am scared but not because I ever had any major complications just bc it hurt like crazy and I want another baby but not everything that goes a long with it. ;)

Amanda said...

Each step of the way is fraught with peril.

I understand that fear, but isn't it more frightening to imagine the regret of not moving forward into what you know you want -- no, need -- to do? It won't be easy, I know, but you do have a support system like you can't believe.

HeatherPride said...

Hey, good luck with everything! I had a baby at 36 weeks and one at 34 weeks. The first one was a nightmare of bedrest and caution. The second one was a total cakewalk and I ended up going into labor 6 weeks early anyway. Just goes to show you they are all different! Best wishes for you and your fam.

Confessions of A Mississippi Mom said...

I came across your blog and I wanted to leave you a message of encouragement. I can relate to your problem pregnancy. When I miscarried my first set of twins I couldn't bear to think of getting pregnant again, but two months later without warning I did and had a rocky pregnancy but did delivery my daughter by c-section at 33 weeks very scary. Then a year and half later my husband and I decided to try again, and I was so scared and when I found out I was having twins again it was like we were having reruns of my bad miscarriage so the Doctor put me on bed rest for the whole pregnancy it was hell, but I would have done anything, and here is the best part I delivered them at 36 weeks and they weighted more then my daughter. Both boy's weight in at 6lbs 4 onces. Sorry that this is long but I know the pains of miscarriages, and I just wanted to share my story with you and I will pray for you.

Indy said...

Feeling exactly the same way. Lost a baby over a month ago. I keep going back and forth. I am struggling with choice. The first one was so much easier. I had no idea.

Stephanie said...

I hope you get what you wish for. I understand it's hard (my mom had a hard time and I saw what it did to her). I'm 38 weeks, miserable yet thankful for every painful kick, every sweet contraction and praying for delivery so I can meet her. Hubby got snipped today so it's final for us. This is it. I'm trying to enjoy this last week or so. Soooo bittersweet to think about never being pregnant again, yet I couldn't imagine ever doing it again and surviving. HA!

Just remember, if you never have another kid, do enjoy the one you have. My mom lost one at 23 weeks 15 years ago (I was 14) and I have never felt more isolated and "not good enough" since. It consumed her and she forgot to make the most of what she enjoyed in life. That doesn't mean you can't always wish you had another, just try not to let the little one know it. Good luck with your decision!