As I settle into my new routine of domestic bliss as a SAHM I start to wonder who I will be in 20 years. How will my children see me? Will they see me as a boring coupon clipping, bread making, plain old housewife? Will they think that I couldn't possibly ever had a life outside of cooking, cleaning and picking up dirty socks?Will they take my advice because they respect where I am coming from? Has there always been a June Cleaver poking out from under the exterior cool facade waiting to be set free?
I like to think I will be the cool mom. The house that all the kids come over to hang out at. Be the mom that has an open relationship with my kids that they will be able to talk freely with me without the fear of judgement. That they will see that I am protective not closeminded.
How do you balance openness with your kids versus TMI? Will they throw my past sins in my face like my sister did to my parents? Who am I to judge them when I used drugs and alcohol as a crutch to survive high school and college? That I couldn't make it into class without getting stoned in the parking lot first? Will they understand that I warn them out of experience and love and not out of being a hypocrite? Will they look at me and say you did all this and turned out fine without seeing the scars hiding under the apron?
Will they know that I screamed at my parent's that I hated them? That I ran away from home after saying words so mean and hateful that they still echo in my ears 12 years later? That I was a teenager and yes, I know EXACTLY what they are going through. Will they be impressed that I turned my life around and that I finished college early? That I studied abroad? That I worked with rape victims for 4 years rushing to hospitals in the middle of the night? That I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up either. That I still don't?
It is a fine line to walk. You can stay mum and let them see you as nothing more than Mom or you can spill all and let the chips fall where they may. My older sister suffers from overknowledge, the sins of the parent's visited upon the child. I suffer from the see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil syndrome refusing to think of the past and wanting to know as little as possible. We fight our demons in our own way. I see my Mom as Mom, the boring old housewife. My sister sees her as part sellout, part hypocrite. Maybe we were both right and yet both so wrong. Either way, who do you think is the first person we call when it all goes to hell in a handbasket?