Monday, November 19, 2007

Pity Party

As I sit here with The Hills on pause on my DVR from last Monday, typing away on my laptop, my husband and son are sleeping. I am so glad to have my son home. I spent last night here while my husband and father in law stayed at the hospital. (I later found out my husband had called my father in law and specifically requested he stay the night at the hospital so I would go home and get better) My pug is snoring in his cage and my son is rolling back in forth in his crib in a sweaty sick sleep.

All is right with the world I suppose. He is home and for that I am glad. I am still worried about the vomiting and the raspy breathing. I am worried about taking him back to daycare next week. I don't want to take him to daycare. I don't want any more hospital visits and constant sickness. I don't want people calling me to tell me to come get him because he is sick yet again. I don't want to cancel my long awaited holiday plans to go to see my family for Thanksgiving. I don't want to go back to work.

My heart is heavy. I want so badly to be home with him but I don't want to put that kind of pressure and strain on my husband right now. He has his issues with his work and now is not a good time for me to leave my job, my insurance, my paycheck. I'm praying for something to happen. Divine intervention. I know I have so many blessings and I am grateful but I just feel like home is where I am supposed to be.

My parents just bought my sister a house 10 minutes from them. She is single with 3 kids and in school full time. She hasn't had a job in over 2 years. They gave her a vehicle, pay her insurance, her mortgage, and miscellaneous other bills. Her child support and the government pick up the rest. I love her and I know she needs help but it frustrates me that she is now about to move into a house that is almost 300 square feet bigger than mine and it won't cost her a dime. She is attending school via internet classes. I don't want to be jealous or petty. She has her struggles and is paying for her mistakes in many ways but it is hard to accept that those of us who do work hard and do the right thing don't get some of the same options. I love my independence and my parent's do give us help from time to time but it is still hard not to be envious? jealous? hurt? bitter? I don't know. And the funny thing is that I know she feels the same way about me and my college degree, wedding, nice house, husband, etc. I guess the grass is always greener.

I just needed to vent. That's what blogs are good for.


Amanda said...

That's not fair at all, and I can see how such a thing would intensify your struggle. Wishing it were all easier...

Hope your Thanksgiving is happy and your little one gets well.

chickadee said...

came here for lifenut. she links your last post when you comment, which is so neat.

i know how you feel. i have a sister who also needs lots of support from my parents and i am well taken care of by my husband but sometimes it does feel off balance and can cause jealous feelings.

i hope you have a wonderful thanksgiving.

She Likes Purple said...

The grass is always greener but you're allowed to be blue and feel cheated out of the help she's getting.

I know you want to be home more than anything and hopefully that will be possible soon enough. Until then, know you are a great mother and your son will always feel your love, even if you're not with him every moment.