Saturday, January 5, 2008

The Good Wife

I don't officially make New Year's Resolutions. Not because I don't believe in them but because I have the memory of a goldfish with Alzheimer's (with the exception of my husband's misdoings). I can't tell you what I ate for dinner last night much less remember to do something I promised at midnight after 15 beers. Alright 3 beers. Whatever, I'm not in college anymore. This year I am making a concerted effort to make and keep a New Year's Resolution. My resolution is to be a better wife. And technically I didn't make it on New Year's Eve with some starry eyed ideal about love. I made my resolution after yet another pointless fight with my husband.

I sat there ready to rip his head off if he dared cross my path and I realized how stupid the whole fight was. Why is it easier to get irritated and yell than it is to just understand that your spouse is human. We are always defensive, always ready to make a quick jab when the other disappoints our expectations. Honestly, our fighting has lessened in the 5 years we have been together. This isn't even the main thing I wanted to work on.

My husband is a much more affectionate person than I am. He wants to *gasp* cuddle in bed and kiss me before he leaves for work. I am just not that kind of person. Maybe in the first few months of a relationship when you are in heat but after that I have to remind myself to be affectionate.

He also needs a lot of words of affirmation, it is his love language . I try to remember to tell him what a great husband, good provider, wonderful father he is but I don't think I do it nearly often enough. All of these things together made me feel like a failure as a wife. We both come from divorced families (his father is on his 3rd wife, mine is about to marry his 4th) and I don't want Bear to grow up the way we did. I don't advocate staying in a miserable marriage because I have seen how hard that is as well. I want to try to avoid not only divorce but also avoid a bad marriage as well. So the past few days I have been trying to be nicer, more accomodating, more complimentary to my husband.

I don't know if this is a testament to the kind of wife I have been, but my husband has been growing increasingly suspicious. He is enjoying the nicer me but more in a who are you and what did you do with my wife kind of way? All in all it has been a pleasant week. He is happier and in turn is treating me better. We dressed up nicely for each other today and took Bear to Olive Garden. We went to the mall and he bought tools at Sears while I picked up a few shirts on sale at Express. It was probably the first time we have been to the mall together without a fight of some sort. We used to call Saturdays fight day because we always seemed to be at each other's throats on what should be a wonderful and relaxing day. So far I consider my resolution to be a sucess. Hopefully I can continue this long past 2008.


Denora said...

I can't tell you how glad I am to see someone else making this effort, though I realize how bad that sounds. I've written and discarded multiple posts on how I'd like to be a better wife and have a better marriage, but have been too afraid of doing so, because I don't want to say I AM a bad wife. You put it perfectly for me. Thank you.

EmilyPie said...

I too am working on being more "affectionate" *wink wink* with my husband. So far so good. I agree with everything you said in this post.

I know it is slightly controversial... but I really want to read Dr. Laura's book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. I think it might help me be a better wife... which in turn, might help make a better husband? Not that our relationship is bad.. but well .. you get the idea.

Big Hearted Teddy Bear said...

Good for you trying to be a "good wife" for your husband. I, too, am a morning cuddler, one of those high maintenance men that need a LOT of words of affirmation, and LOTS of touch, and not just sexual touch, either.

We men are an insecure lot, you know! We go out in the world and get bruised and battered, and our wives are our emotional "safe place" where we can heal those wounds. Touch is often the emotional aloe we need. Sex is often a great big vat of that soothing balm for us, believe it or not. At my tender age (50+!) I've come to believe that sex for men is FAR more emotional than most women (or men!) realize, just in a different way for men than women.

You women, on the other hand, are MUCH better at dealing with all of the stuff the world throws your way, even if it doesn't look that way to we men. You let it out, you process it with your spouse, friends, family, whatever, and you DEAL with it. We just can't always do that, try as we may. So our relationship with our wives, in many respects, is frequently that emotional healer we need.

I'm a big guy, and my wife calls me her Teddy Bear. I'll bet your husband is the sensitive Teddy Bear type, too. I'll bet he needs, even CRAVES all of the touching, hugging, cuddling, kissing, and everything else that you can give him, both sexual AND non-sexual.

My wife and I can cuddle both sexually OR non-sexually, and I can be completely satisfied either way. Sometimes, it's all the emotional connection/aloe I need. (Believe it or not!)

But this is YOUR blog, not mine! Cuddle away with your Bear!